so... here is this week's floral arrangement. just something nice i started to do in the lab... every week that i have a chance, i'll stop by the Nature Nook on my way into to work. i generally blow about $20... bring them in and put them in my stone frog. i used to have it on my desk, but my desk is in a windowless room, so... the flowers were moved into the main lab. the frog's a bit small for the kind of things i put together, heh, but oh well. this rock should really not be holding more than a single bloom and some greenery; the depression for the water isn't all that big, so i end up watering them every few hours. but everyone seems to like them, and they take care of them when i'm not around. the add a nice touch to this hell hole.

this morning, i thought about pretzel. i should have expected it after last night, but it came on "out of nowhere"... i think it's probably been circling in the back of my mind as the date gets closer. funny, how i always thought i'd be totally aware of things like that; i didn't really think i had subconcious memory drift like that. but there you have it.

i cried, just a little. of course it still hurts. he was my baby, and my best friend. flaca's 2nd anniversary was yesterday... poor thing. she was really gone before her time... it was so sudden, but, it couldn't have been any other way. my guilt over her death didn't linger nearly as long as for pretzel.

i remember the last few minutes, there in my old room. i think he's still in that room, sometimes. i know he's been around, even after i got my darling little girl. ryo can sense him in there, too. my poor, poor gato.
so i sat in bed this morning and remembered the sub-q -- "at home kitty dialysis", i called it. i remembered his last day, why i made my choice when i made it. and i gave you spring, beloved... i waited that long. how cruel would it have been to keep you longer, with me. but how much it hurt to let you go.

so maybe the flowers were for him, after all. and maybe i'll buy some freesia to plant where i buried his ashes... the moonflowers never took. forget-me-nots for flaca, and freesia will be pretty for my baby.

it's a pretty spring. two years since then... but it's not like i'll ever forget him.