i soon will be; or maybe, i already am.

i have a friend who seems to pick my busiest, most stressed-out moments to enact the drama. she's being better about it this time, but jesus god, when i heard her voicemail i actually groaned out loud. "there are some things we need to discuss." yes, things. like me needing time to do my own thing. like the fact that you and i are very different people. we should also discuss your dissatisfaction with the way i have changed.

that's a lot of it, right there, i think... because i have changed; in my mind, for the better. but my friend thinks that i have become "cold" and "unemotional"... she has said that to me, anyhow. in a way, i understand where she's coming from. it's an almost reflexive response, panicky and desperate, to what you percieve as someone leaving your life. we HAVE grown apart, in a lot of ways. personally, i don't think that means we can't be friends. but i guess it depends on what she wants from me... and that i'm not the person she necessarily wants me to be.

it's ironic, really. whenever we have these little spats, she seems to always get to a point where she says, "i'm tired of trying to be the person everyone expects me to be"/"i'm tired of acting the way people expect me too." ha. i've yet to point out to her, umm, hi... that's what you are doing to ME right *now*. you want me to respond to you... i don't even know how. obviously in a way that isn't me, because my responses aren't suiting you.

how can you be so cold, she says. i'm not cold, i just have no patience for certain things anymore.

i'm getting tired of this life. i'm really kind of done with it... i need a new direction. it's not enough to wake up every morning, and follow each day to it's logical end. i'm tired and bored. i'm scared shitless about japan, but i still want to do it. i need it... i need to get away for a while. i need that peace, to be by myself. i know i'll be lonely as hell at times... but it will be nice to separate myself from all of this and have a new start. life, at that moment, can be anything i want it to be, whatever i make it.

life here could be that way, too... but it's honestly just too much work to cut all the ties. and i don't necessarily want to. i know some damn good people, after all.
i'm just ready for something else, now.