how do i manage to scare myself so completely?

here i am, another year older. bah. that much closert ot thirty, well... if things go the way i plan, i'll be in japan when i turn thirty, and no one will be around to laugh ;)

but it's not so far away, you know. two years.


there is so so much i need to accomplish right now. for myself. this time, i know -- its not for others, for their expectations, for anything more than my own satisfaction. i'm getting a bit desperate, i guess you'd say... i'm ready to do the drastic. ready to undertake a course of action that was a mistake the first time, and this time... willful self destruction? what does it accomplish... can i maintain afterwards.

why is it so fucking hard to do something as simple as lose weight?

to have struggled with it all my life, and to finally have accomplished it -- and now, to accept the fact that i lost as much as i did NOT because i was excercising (although god knows it helped), but because i was putting ritalin and adderall up my nose on a regular basis.
fucking hell. you know, adderall used to be marketed as "obetrol", and was used as an appetite supressant. my doctor should just give me that, and trust my judgement, since god knows, i've had first hand experience with the drug... i know what it does. i know how the opportunity for addiciton is there.


terri schiavo comes to mind -- look at how she ended up. why? the collapse, which most agree was a result of bulemia. women in this country are killing themselves for a better self image. i am one of them. i'll take the trade off; the way amphetamines bring out the bi-polar in me, the racing of my heart that tells me i'm taking years off my life. because i want to be satisfied with what i see in the mirror, god damn it. i know that i can be better than this.

complusive eating is a curse. you have anorexia at the other end of the spectrum. both are equally unhealthy.

i'm just tired of hating who i've become and feeling like i don't have the means to change it.

oh well, i'm off. phone call from my darling petey.

"wondering"

ok!! so, blogger is finally freakin' working again.

'bout damn time!!


i feel very much in-between these days... not belonging completely in one group, but i guess i have changed too much to relate to my old group. so, i'm just kind of... here.

had an episode last week, that was entertaining. gotta love being bi-polar... at least i have things more or less under control these days, which is a vast improvement from, well, the entire first 27 years of my life. and with the birthday just around the corner... blaaaaaaaaah. i acutally don't care so much about getting older, as much as i care about this feeling of time slipping away from me. as if i'm all of the sudden going down a steep hill... it's just getting faster and faster.

i've been thinking a lot lately about how things might be in the future. some times i stop to question whether or not i know what i'm doing, here... how it might really be, living abroad for a couple of years. and whether or not i can really pay my bills, that's a big one.
but other than those random doubts... life is moving along at a good pace. seems i might finally be getting over this person i thought was the pinnacle of what i could feel for another human. maybe it's not so much getting over him, as it is really taking note of the possibilities around me. either or, it's good just to be going forward.

this was definitely the highlight of last week for me:


my ass bought a venus flytrap. awesome. i have already fed it 2 spiders and 2 ants. i feel a mild sense of guilt over the ants, but definitely not the spiders. blech, i hate spiders... they just creep me out.