strange roads back.

well, following a link from a link, i remembered this journal. and maybe i'll start using it again since i have basically decided to let my LJ fade into oblivion. luckily, there is not a single reference to my ex anywhere in the few posts ive jotted down -- yes!

... not that i have much to post about these days. or even a desire to.

but i guess its here if need be.


sometimes that's enough?

OMG NEW KITTEN!!

in two hours, i am going to pick up my new little man, Baby Murdoc. ("muds" for short)

can't wait can't wait can't wait can't wait... i have to admit, i'm pretty useless at work right now, heh. i'm way to excited!!! ^_^

pictures to follow in subsequent entries.

Murdoc (who is currently named "charles") is a five month old domestic shorthair that was surrendered to the Humane Society when his previous owner decided to move. i swear that i have said this a thousand times: PEOPLE, WOULD YOU LEAVE YOUR CHILD BEHIND WHEN YOU MOVE? THEN WHY DO YOU LEAVE YOUR ANIMALS?!? nothing pisses me off more. cats and dogs are NOT disposable; they're not just for "when it's convenient" for you. i hate hate HATE people who do things like this. if you can't make that level of committment, for all the love and comfort they give you so selflessly in return, then you SHOULD NOT HAVE ANIMALS.

my little girl was a stray... poor little girl. she latched onto me the minute i brought her home, she was only 3.5 months old. that is how i became her "mom"... she has followed me relentlessly ever since :) and of course, i don't mind. i love my little girl more than anything.
and now she will have a little brother! it's better for her... now that i'm living so close to work, i can come home at lunch, but i still want her to have company throughout the day so she doesn't get lonely. the bird, unfortunately, isn't much help in that aspect.

e-mail from blogger

... and just who is trying to change my password? hmmmm?

whoever you are... BACK OFF. the account name is already taken. get over it and stop fucking with my shit.


first week and a half in the new apartment have been good... very peaceful. i'll wake up sometimes with the cat sleeping on the pillow next to me, and the bird on my shoulder. they get along very well now, and the three of us are a little family :)

turning in my app today for job #2 -- waiting tables again. a part time that i'm not going to complain about if it helps me with the cost of living... i can deal with it for two days out of the week, heh.

blue skies over detroit. it's lovely out here.

officially official

well... now when people ask me where i'm from, i can say "detroit" with total honesty... i am leaving the 'burbs for the city, for MY city -- now, it really is.

and, i love my city. there is something about detroit... it doesn't have the glamour of other big cities, doesn't have the popularity... doesn't seem to be interesting on the surface, but how many things in this world can be accurately judged by apperance... it has an edge, and attitude. it suits me right down to the ground because it is just like me; i love my city, and it's a reflection of who i am.

i am ok with putting off japan for a couple more years. more time to learn the language, more time to take ESL classes, more time to pay bills. and this... being a part of the city like this... it means a lot to me, as well.

so, this is a good thing for me :)
just ten more days!

episode.

so, today i had an episode.

i'm not truly surprised by this... given the insanity of last weekend. given the stupidity of people in reckless groups. that would be me.

maybe the mindset was already in place. just waiting. all it needed was a trigger.
it found the perfect one in Boy Who Rejected Me. but, we are supposed to be over all that. and since i've moved on from being in love with him, then it stands to reason that i should not care so much where he is concerned.

well, apparently that isn't the case... and it was messy. very much so. i pissed him off... and ended up apologizing. but for what... hmmmm. yes, i overreacted. but yes, i was and had been hurt.


live would be a little easier to deal with if i wasn't bipolar. but then i wouldn't be me, so that's something to consider. i thought to myself during dinner, it's funny... i've always wanted my sisters looks. maybe even her perfect vision. but i've never thought to envy her sanity.

of course, "sanity" isn't the right word. let's explore the issue --

NIMH says: Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide.

... i concur.

More than 2 million American adults, or about 1 percent of the population age 18 and older in any given year, have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder typically develops in late adolescence or early adulthood. However, some people have their first symptoms during childhood, (looking back, i think my first episode was when i was about 10) and some develop them late in life. It is often not recognized as an illness, and people may suffer for years before it is properly diagnosed and treated. Like diabetes or heart disease, bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that must be carefully managed throughout a person's life.

note the bold type... too many people are willing to chalk it up to being "fucked in the head." i kind of resent that, even if i've thought the same myself on occasion.

"Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide."

that is the best quote i have ever read regarding bi polar disorder. it's really a perfect description... espeically this line:

Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live.

and don't i know it, kids. don't i just.

how many times have i demolished a friendship? how many times have a destroyed anything good in my life? and all the reasons i gave myself, countless reasons over the years... "i lash out in self-defense"... "there's a darkness inside me"... "i'm meant to be alone."

it was hard for me to accept the diagnosis, although it fit my life story quite well. once i grew to accept it, though, it was... a relief. because i could finally, FINALLY believe that i *wasn't* crazy. there is a biological issue in my head, a chemical imbalance. i don't have mood swings "just because." i'm not 'fucked in the head' or 'psycho', or any of the other labels i've worn before.

everyone has issues. that is true without a doubt. mine become magnified in a chaotic jumble of emotions that takes me as high as it will later drop me low.
i like the highs.
the lows, that's another story.

The classic form of the illness, which involves recurrent episodes of mania and depression, is called bipolar I disorder. Some people, however, never develop severe mania but instead experience milder episodes of hypomania that alternate with depression; this form of the illness is called bipolar II disorder. When four or more episodes of illness occur within a 12-month period, a person is said to have rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. Some people experience multiple episodes within a single week, or even within a single day. Rapid cycling tends to develop later in the course of illness and is more common among women than among men.

yours truly is a type II. hypomanic -- as vanilla ice said -- to the extreme.

today's episode is my own fault for knowingly and deliberately (albeit extremely grudgingly) altering my brain chemistry.

i feel like i could still cry a bit. funny, i thought i'd gone dry. we'll see how tomorrow goes... already, i feel a lot better; more "rational", if you will.

how do i manage to scare myself so completely?

here i am, another year older. bah. that much closert ot thirty, well... if things go the way i plan, i'll be in japan when i turn thirty, and no one will be around to laugh ;)

but it's not so far away, you know. two years.


there is so so much i need to accomplish right now. for myself. this time, i know -- its not for others, for their expectations, for anything more than my own satisfaction. i'm getting a bit desperate, i guess you'd say... i'm ready to do the drastic. ready to undertake a course of action that was a mistake the first time, and this time... willful self destruction? what does it accomplish... can i maintain afterwards.

why is it so fucking hard to do something as simple as lose weight?

to have struggled with it all my life, and to finally have accomplished it -- and now, to accept the fact that i lost as much as i did NOT because i was excercising (although god knows it helped), but because i was putting ritalin and adderall up my nose on a regular basis.
fucking hell. you know, adderall used to be marketed as "obetrol", and was used as an appetite supressant. my doctor should just give me that, and trust my judgement, since god knows, i've had first hand experience with the drug... i know what it does. i know how the opportunity for addiciton is there.


terri schiavo comes to mind -- look at how she ended up. why? the collapse, which most agree was a result of bulemia. women in this country are killing themselves for a better self image. i am one of them. i'll take the trade off; the way amphetamines bring out the bi-polar in me, the racing of my heart that tells me i'm taking years off my life. because i want to be satisfied with what i see in the mirror, god damn it. i know that i can be better than this.

complusive eating is a curse. you have anorexia at the other end of the spectrum. both are equally unhealthy.

i'm just tired of hating who i've become and feeling like i don't have the means to change it.

oh well, i'm off. phone call from my darling petey.

"wondering"

ok!! so, blogger is finally freakin' working again.

'bout damn time!!


i feel very much in-between these days... not belonging completely in one group, but i guess i have changed too much to relate to my old group. so, i'm just kind of... here.

had an episode last week, that was entertaining. gotta love being bi-polar... at least i have things more or less under control these days, which is a vast improvement from, well, the entire first 27 years of my life. and with the birthday just around the corner... blaaaaaaaaah. i acutally don't care so much about getting older, as much as i care about this feeling of time slipping away from me. as if i'm all of the sudden going down a steep hill... it's just getting faster and faster.

i've been thinking a lot lately about how things might be in the future. some times i stop to question whether or not i know what i'm doing, here... how it might really be, living abroad for a couple of years. and whether or not i can really pay my bills, that's a big one.
but other than those random doubts... life is moving along at a good pace. seems i might finally be getting over this person i thought was the pinnacle of what i could feel for another human. maybe it's not so much getting over him, as it is really taking note of the possibilities around me. either or, it's good just to be going forward.

this was definitely the highlight of last week for me:


my ass bought a venus flytrap. awesome. i have already fed it 2 spiders and 2 ants. i feel a mild sense of guilt over the ants, but definitely not the spiders. blech, i hate spiders... they just creep me out.