what i remember.

you... light up my life... you give me hope... to carry on....

ok, i'm singing debbie boone. please shoot me!

horrible and cheesy, isn't it. but most of us have that person, or people, who can light up our entire day with little more than a smile. even less, i'd say, for some.

i have a friend who is frustrating and exasperating and stubborn and... heh. someone who is more like me than anyone else in this world. it's extremely comforting to know he exists. and any day i talk to him, the sun shines brighter. i have told other people this, i don't know if i have ever told him this. just his presence (infuriating though it may sometimes be) in my life is enough to make it more enjoyable. even when we fight -- now, at least -- i always feel like it will work itself out and be ok. he's the other side of my coin.

and then, there is my friend out west... who is dear to me for other reasons. and would be, even if i had never had feelings beyond friendship for him. he made such a difference in my life, a very positive effect... i miss him. a simple hello from him would be enough to keep me happy for a few days.
or, maybe not... it's hard to say. i have too much of myself invested in this situation, so i think in a way, it will always hurt, no matter what. i'm very happy for him, that he is living his dream and enjoying himself immensely. i can also admit that it hurts me to not be part of his life anymore. and that it still tears at me, every so often, when i acknowledge that i mean nothing to him, nothing at all. even as a friend... i'm kind of at the bottom of the list.


sunshine, rainbows, white clouds on a blue sky. yes, i am whimsical. but all my friends, all the people i love... they're like all the stars in the sky. and all of them are somewhere in my heart -- that's how i shine so bright.

i soon will be; or maybe, i already am.

i have a friend who seems to pick my busiest, most stressed-out moments to enact the drama. she's being better about it this time, but jesus god, when i heard her voicemail i actually groaned out loud. "there are some things we need to discuss." yes, things. like me needing time to do my own thing. like the fact that you and i are very different people. we should also discuss your dissatisfaction with the way i have changed.

that's a lot of it, right there, i think... because i have changed; in my mind, for the better. but my friend thinks that i have become "cold" and "unemotional"... she has said that to me, anyhow. in a way, i understand where she's coming from. it's an almost reflexive response, panicky and desperate, to what you percieve as someone leaving your life. we HAVE grown apart, in a lot of ways. personally, i don't think that means we can't be friends. but i guess it depends on what she wants from me... and that i'm not the person she necessarily wants me to be.

it's ironic, really. whenever we have these little spats, she seems to always get to a point where she says, "i'm tired of trying to be the person everyone expects me to be"/"i'm tired of acting the way people expect me too." ha. i've yet to point out to her, umm, hi... that's what you are doing to ME right *now*. you want me to respond to you... i don't even know how. obviously in a way that isn't me, because my responses aren't suiting you.

how can you be so cold, she says. i'm not cold, i just have no patience for certain things anymore.

i'm getting tired of this life. i'm really kind of done with it... i need a new direction. it's not enough to wake up every morning, and follow each day to it's logical end. i'm tired and bored. i'm scared shitless about japan, but i still want to do it. i need it... i need to get away for a while. i need that peace, to be by myself. i know i'll be lonely as hell at times... but it will be nice to separate myself from all of this and have a new start. life, at that moment, can be anything i want it to be, whatever i make it.

life here could be that way, too... but it's honestly just too much work to cut all the ties. and i don't necessarily want to. i know some damn good people, after all.
i'm just ready for something else, now.

sensitive

today is one of those days i wish i had a 'significant other'... because today it would feel so nice to lay my head on someone's shoulder and just lean on them for a while.

ok, not just anyone... i have a person in mind. who is not my significant other, who will never be my significant other. i miss being around him; what with him moving to the other end of the country. i miss sitting and bullshitting with him in the basement. i even miss him picking on me til i wanted to slap him.

some people are like that... so vital, so full of life. they're such a presence, and when they're gone -- it's notable. with some people, you forget what life was like before you knew them. for my closest friends, it's like that. i just had this conversation with my dearest john-boy... we've known each other nearly 4 years now, but it seems like i have known him forever.

no one has yet to fill the space that my friend out west left. not just because i had a thing for him... but because he was crazy and funny and serious and infuriating and invigorating and inspiring all at once. because he was was the brightest star in the sky :) of all my stars -- all my friends i think of when i look up at night.

he's my lucky star. i miss how he made me laugh.

so... here is this week's floral arrangement. just something nice i started to do in the lab... every week that i have a chance, i'll stop by the Nature Nook on my way into to work. i generally blow about $20... bring them in and put them in my stone frog. i used to have it on my desk, but my desk is in a windowless room, so... the flowers were moved into the main lab. the frog's a bit small for the kind of things i put together, heh, but oh well. this rock should really not be holding more than a single bloom and some greenery; the depression for the water isn't all that big, so i end up watering them every few hours. but everyone seems to like them, and they take care of them when i'm not around. the add a nice touch to this hell hole.

this morning, i thought about pretzel. i should have expected it after last night, but it came on "out of nowhere"... i think it's probably been circling in the back of my mind as the date gets closer. funny, how i always thought i'd be totally aware of things like that; i didn't really think i had subconcious memory drift like that. but there you have it.

i cried, just a little. of course it still hurts. he was my baby, and my best friend. flaca's 2nd anniversary was yesterday... poor thing. she was really gone before her time... it was so sudden, but, it couldn't have been any other way. my guilt over her death didn't linger nearly as long as for pretzel.

i remember the last few minutes, there in my old room. i think he's still in that room, sometimes. i know he's been around, even after i got my darling little girl. ryo can sense him in there, too. my poor, poor gato.
so i sat in bed this morning and remembered the sub-q -- "at home kitty dialysis", i called it. i remembered his last day, why i made my choice when i made it. and i gave you spring, beloved... i waited that long. how cruel would it have been to keep you longer, with me. but how much it hurt to let you go.

so maybe the flowers were for him, after all. and maybe i'll buy some freesia to plant where i buried his ashes... the moonflowers never took. forget-me-nots for flaca, and freesia will be pretty for my baby.

it's a pretty spring. two years since then... but it's not like i'll ever forget him.

taiyaki

don't be fooled by the appearance, it's actually quite tasty.
well... the frozen ones taste a little like a pretzel, heh.

a new (more quiet) home.

what can i say? the need to get away from everyone finally pushed me here.
i prefer not to censor myself. i prefer not to post privately.

well, the best place to hide is always in plain veiw -- no one ever expects that, haha.



my taiyaki adventure wasn't quite as adventurous as i had thought it would be. but i chose to take the easy route and buy pre-formed, pre-cooked frozen pastries. yea convenience; yea korean grocers!

i think spring is here to stay, thank christ. i have had it with the cold weather... you'd think i'd be used to this, having lived in michigan all my life. but, no... seems the older i get, the more phobic of the cold i get, too. bah.

ha! at least we aren't in colorado. i should feel sorry for my old roommate from college, who is somewhere on a mountain working at a secluded hotel these days. aww, roommate! we had some good times, her and i. i don't know if those college years were my "glory days," but i sure do have some nice memories left from that time.